Angry Eyes

January 14, 2009 at 6:23 pm | Posted in I can't think of a clever category | Leave a comment
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My eyes hurt.

To normal people this would be a minor inconvenience. Me? I have spent the last thirty minutes on WebMD searching for diseases of the eye. Two things you should know about me in order to better understand this. One – I had LASIK a few years ago. Two – I am a minor hypochondriac.

So, when my eyes are sore for, oh, I don’t know, let’s say twenty-five minutes, I will manage to convince myself, in that short amount of time, that I have eyeball tumors. Or that the LASIK wore off and my eyes are about to fall out. Or that I’m going blind.

The process usually goes something like this:

1) Do a general search on Google for something vague, like “eyeball pain.”

2) Read and dismiss all of the articles that suggest something as mundane as eyestrain or not getting enough sleep.

3) Focus in on an article on some website that you’ve never heard of, regarding some ailment you’ve never encountered (usually  somewhere around page six of the Google results), and convince yourself that you have that.

Maybe minor hypochondriac was a bit of an understatement.

How far have I taken this in the past?

Years ago, while living in Los Angeles, I actually spent four months going to specialists, having tests run, and getting put on Flomax before discovering that what had actually happened was that I had gained ten pounds and all of my pants were now too tight.

Yup. I got put on make-you-not-go-pee medicine because I got too fat for my pants. 

True story.

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