An open letter

April 2, 2009 at 7:50 am | Posted in Hartford, Life | 3 Comments
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Dear man who smashed my car window and broke into my car last night,

It is clear that you are a very selective gentleman, a professional, if you will, inspired by the great old thieves and grafters of Dickensian fame. For when you break into a car on a well lit road in Hartford with what appears to be a rusty bottle opener, you do not grab haphazardly, hurriedly, rushed. No, sir. You are deliberate and precise.

I can understand why you would leave the 30GB iPod in the driver-side door. It’s quite old, a bit outdated, and probably insufficient for your storage needs. You would never be able to store your entire collection of NPR podcasts and live Dave Matthews sets. I’ve been there, I get it. I was a little puzzled by the leaving of the brand new, three-day-old 120GB iPod Classic in the center console, though. Maybe you’re more of an iPod Touch kind of guy, and the lack of an App store on my iPod Classic would just be too much to endure. As I said, discerning.

I can only assume that you are already in possession of a superior model of GPS, which is why you left mine in the glove compartment directly above the window that you smashed to gain access to my vehicle. Or perhaps you’re more of a seat of the pants, freedom of the road kind of guy, a modern day Jack Kerouac, and are not to be confined by directions or routes when deciding which car you’ll be burgling tonight. I can respect that.

You are also clearly a man of manners, a Mr. Manners, who understands that people who talk on Bluetooth headsets are rude and look like total douche-bags. You scoffed at the one in my cup holder, leaving it behind, preferring instead to conduct your business deals either in person or, at minimum, with mouth to phone. Old school, classic.

I am guessing that you, being a bit of a Renaissance man, passed over the $400 in textbooks on Investment and Security Analysis and Financial Planning because, well, you already know all that stuff. I appreciate that you left them behind so that I may, one day, follow in your hallowed footsteps.

No, you passed all of these worthless items by, and instead focused your desire on a most special item indeed. A backup wallet that I keep in my center console that contains both a Brooks Brothers discount card and a Gamestop membership.

Well done.

Might I recommend the Regent Fit Pleat-Front Classic Gabardine Trousers? They are a fine trouser, lined to the knee with an updated, slimmer fit. I think that a man of your obvious class and distinction would appreciate a pair of trousers such as these.

I also understand that Resident Evil 5 has just dropped. I suggest that you use your new Gamestop card, which entitles you to a 15% discount on all used games, to pick up a copy in a few weeks when folks start trading them in. You can fire up your hi-def console of choice, sit down comfortably in your new worsted wool pants, and have yourself a lovely evening of zombie-killing and classy pants-wearing.

A final note – I thank you for choosing to go adventuring within my automobile on a rainy night. You successfully turned an annoying problem into an obnoxious one. It’s really that extra little bit that sets you apart, sir, the willingness to take it just one step further.

You should be aware, though, that the Hartford police have been called and I can only assume that they dispatched me from the phone so quickly in order to focus more of their time and effort on your chasing and eventual capture. So, you know, look out.

Good luck and safe travels,

A Hartford resident

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3 Comments »

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  1. That’s unfortunate. You should read mcsweeneys open letters, btw.

  2. Hilarious. We’ll all be on the lookout for weel-dressed zombie killers now.

  3. It could be the same guy who broke into the car of a friend of mine a few years back. Apparently, he had no use for a brand new laptop sitting on the back seat. I guess these guys are just picky.


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